No More Mr Nice Guy

Nice Guys are everywhere. If you’re listening to/reading this, chances are that you think you’re one too.

Typical traits of Nice Guys include letting their partners manage everything, doing anything for anyone, avoiding conflict, telling people who work for them exactly what they want to hear, avoiding rocking the boat and as a consequence getting walked over, never saying no, being dependable and reliable, suppressing their feelings … the list goes on and on, but you get the picture.

Okay, so many men have one or two of these traits, but Nice Guys? Well, they seem to have a considerable number. But is that such a bad thing?

Actually, yes. You see, calling these men “Nice Guys” is a bit of a misnomer. They can be anything but nice.

To achieve what they want, Nice Guys can be dishonest, secretive, manipulative, and controlling. Sometimes, they might appear to be generous, but in reality, they never give if they don’t also expect to get. They crave appreciation or some other reciprocation in return. What’s more, Nice Guys can become passive-aggressive in their behavior, venting their frustration and resentment. And in addition to all of that, they also find it difficult to set boundaries.

But here’s something we really should make clear before we go much further: recovery from what Glover terms Nice Guy Syndrome is absolutely not about becoming the complete opposite. It’s not about not being nice anymore, it’s about becoming “integrated.”

That means accepting yourself as you are – your uniqueness, assertiveness, courage, passion, imperfections, and mistakes. It means taking responsibility for your own needs, being comfortable with your masculinity, expressing your feelings, setting those all-important boundaries, and working through conflict. Put simply, It means accepting your perfect imperfection.

If you’re serious about breaking free from Nice Guy syndrome, you need to find safe people who’ll help you – a therapist, therapy group, religious leader, or a close friend. Glover also says that since most Nice Guys are seeking the approval of women, to be truly effective, you should start your recovery with other men, not women.

So before we turn to how to recover from Nice Guy syndrome, in the next section, we’ll quickly cover how you became a Nice Guy in the first place.